A Troth for Eternity

—So, Woman! I possess you. Yes, at length. Once wholly and for ever you are mine!

That cursèd burden on my memory, Your whole past life’s betrayal—let it go: Ay, let it perish, and, for me at least, Let life begin this moment, though we die But three hours hence!

Is this your little voice My Love, enthralling, winning my whole faith With mere increasing sweetness in its tones, Dissolving, exorcising, as it used, Ah too infallibly, the phantom thing, The doubt, the dread within me? ah, my Sweet, Is this once more your voice assuring me— With some rare music rather than one word Of those fair whispered oaths of constancy; Yea, till, as ever, I am come to smile And glory in you, and believe you pure— All mine, for ever, past a change in thought?

But no! It is the little voice of the Steel Here safe against my breast and fairly hid: The Steel is singing to me, very low, A tender song entrancing me;—O joy! The Steel says you will ne’er escape me more; You will be true to me; you will be mine; No man shall touch you after me; no face, However strangely fair, shall have the art To draw one look from you, to charm and rouse That wondrous little snake of treachery That was for ever lurking for me—sure To spring upon me out of the least look Or promise, safe to be curled up beneath The simplest seeming offering in your hand.

Yes, ’tis a thing at length as good as this The steel is singing to me: did you hear, You should but love it—since it pleads so well It makes me put whole faith in you once more. For now three days and nights indeed—while I, Contending for you with the love I gave Against the curse I owed you, raged and thought It was my madness—O this little voice Was striving with me, singing all the time, Upon a low sweet soothing tune, strange words Of promise that seemed like the distant taunts Of all my past beliefs, and that I sought To cover with my curses; till, last night, My soul grew faint with hearing them—how sweet, How full of good they were. Then I fell still, Yea, stunned, and with my head upon the ground; And through the shut bleared darkness of my eyes, I seemed to see the room about me lit And fearful, and the Sword from off the wall Unscabbarded before me in the midst, Most terrible and living, and in light— Just like a great archangel with the glare Of burning expiations full on him.

O then my soul did call upon the Steel; And the Steel heard and swore to me. My soul Tore forth the hidden-rooted love of thee, Thy treasured words—each one a cruel worm That gnaws me through for ever, thy fair face From the first inmost shrine, thy early kiss, Thy separate falsenesses, all my despair, My utter helplessness—and flung them down, The very writhing entrails of my life Become one inward horror to be borne No longer. And there came about me, loud, The mocking of a thousand impious tongues, That seemed to clash and rattle hideously From ancient hollow sepulchres of men Long buried and forgotten; for my love Their gibe was, for my faith, for my despair, For my long blindness: and at last I knew, And, understanding, called with a great voice Upon the Steel: and the Steel heard me there, And swore to me—for you and me and God!

Sing on, O little voice: She cannot hear; There is a pact between us.

Now I stand And feel her eyes’ soft element within, Upon, around me, melting away life Into these few full throbbing moments.—Lo! Her tears again—her disavowal clean Of any thought of falseness. Lo! her words— I might have lived beside her all these days In perfect joy; words, blandishments and tears Already staggering me with their old might Of coiling fascinations; and one tear A drop that, falling straight into my heart, Fills it too full for speaking a long time The ready thing of pardon and of love.

See! am I Lord here?—This fair sight of Her, Working the whole impassioned prodigy As ’twere of all her beauty, just to win Me this time and, at any cost, be queen Of this one present, as of many pasts— Hath ever it been fairer, more complete?

Who else hath had her more and called her his Than here I have her calling herself mine? I would indeed he might draw near just now, Yea, void of feigning, in some wonted way, And feel a cold look from her plant him there Outside the circle where this molten love Of her whole smile is showered upon me, And know her no more his now than mine then.

But what do I here with a thought like this? Those men I deemed my rivals—what are they To me now? Why I could put them to shame And taunt them now myself for insolent Pretenders who have never known what ’tis To conquer love.—Ay, what compared with me Seem all the famous lovers of great queens Or splendid cruel mistresses, whose woes— Deceived, betrayed, reviled—have made them shine With some bright share of every age’s tears? What but mere fools? weak sufferers of wrong From creatures whom they held in their own hands? Or passionless, or lacking any strength To seize their fair worlds passing them so nigh Rather than linger in some sickly trail Of sweetness left behind and die of shame? O all ye Messalinas of old time— Ye Helens, Cleopatras, ye Dalilahs, Ye Maries, ye Lucrezias, Catharines— Fair crowned or uncrowned—courtezans alike Who played with men a calculated game— Your moves their heart-wounds, deaths and ruins—sure Of your inconstancy and their soft loves, Had I been lover in the stead of them, Methinks the histories of you had been changed, And some of your worst falsenesses redeemed By flawless faithfulness to one last love.

But now I am content, I have love here; And I thank God for love—yea, is it sweet? Yea, is it best of all his gifts to man? —I see her splendid smile there—feel her arms Already coming round me!—Who but I Can answer? Who but I have had it whole Like this? (The Steel is singing to me now, Still hidden in my breast—a low sweet song.)

Ah, this time there is no doubt! ’tis all true: Her arms may fold me—fondle me, and I May wholly yield myself to their caress Quite sure it leaves no atom in reserve For any other after me. And lo, She is right worthy of a greater one Than all the lovers that have ever loved And, trembling, lost their women and themselves: For splendour—such as stains for me and turns My eyes disgusted from the vaunted white Of many a bosom impudently bared— Is in that bosom closely veiled, whose veils I may undo—yea now, and with these hands; It is my right. And then, O joy, to know That this, so much more wonderful than those, Shall ne’er be seen by anyone but me! (Ah, sing on little voice!) But, as I said, —Yes, she is worthy!—Come to me, my Sweet: You have the greatest beauty God has made. I think that. Let me kiss your forehead once, Twice, thrice, and say it is diviner white, And hallowed with a brighter radiant grace Than Cleopatra’s was, and swear therewith I kiss it with a passion greater far Than Antony’s was: yea, let me write there This thing in kisses that none can efface. “Ah, you believe me now, dear love?” she says: Yes: I say yes. (Sing on! ’Twas you sang: yes; You bade me answer so. I trust you most.)

“Dear Love, let us go lie upon that bed. I should delight to know it just the grave, So I might keep this faith and happiness, That yours—this mine—both safe for evermore, So I might lie down sure that no mischance, No doubt, no calumny, could come to change Me—yours, you—mine, and peace for evermore.”

She says this, and she leads me by the hand.

Her head is like a lily drooping down.

—My passion! Yea I will not baulk thee now: I need not: for I feel that what I am Is something more than man, that conquers man. What is it? I know not: a flame, a thought; But cold, but calm, unalterable, pure, As far above the fume of the base lust That dulls and levels all men, as, perhaps, Was that strange flame or thought that made Man first And Woman then to bring the man to nought, Which fate I, who indeed am not a god, Who am not Hercules, nor Samson, no, Nor Antony—which fate I yet will change. Nay, passion, rather I will urge thee on; For I shall be above thee all the time A cold impartial watcher, hard to foil, Attentive that thou gettest all thine own Not tampered with—lest, in some little thing, Thou art betrayed, or with a semblance served, Yea, for a blind fool as thou ever wert.

—O take thy fill of looking on this snow In which thy heart finds such delicious death; Do out thine utmost revel on the bloom Of this rare flower’s beauty, now at full; Whose summer is just perfected to-night And laid before thee, heightened with the tint Of first mysterious sadness, like a touch Of far-off autumns. Do not shun that mouth: For there, indeed, a thing most dainty-sweet— The last kiss that was sown a precious seed By Love at the beginning—waits for thee, The fullest, the most perfect of them all. The earth will never fashion forth, and Love Will never with his summer paint again So beautiful a flower.

I am clasped With such arms as I would might hold me so For evermore in heaven. All around, The strange unearthly fragrance of her hair Is coming up, and, with an element Divine as some transparent rosy cloud, Enwrapping both of us; ay, and, as though— A very cloud of magic—it had borne Us, lifted far away from thought, and life, And days, and earthliness—we seem to voyage Through most ethereal atmospheres, and seas Upon whose soft sustaining waves we drift, And draw no sound from either distant shore Of ending or beginning: and the bliss, Unspeakable and perfect, that we feel Seems making and remaking evermore Our souls through this eternity.

Alas! One little thread—I strive in vain to break— Is holding me: a memory, a thought, The pricking of a half-numbed wound through sleep, The constant teazing of a wingéd thing, The bitterness wherewith some ceaseless fang Of life gnaws through, and breaks our dream of it— Some such pursues and racks me. But ’tis well: I know the dream is mine to make my own; I know what dragon guards this paradise, And with what paltry lies he fools mankind. Ah, how the universe must jeer to see All men so smoothly cheated of their own!— And when I slay this dragon, I have all.

I cannot stir now. Many a knotted tress Is on me, like a thousand-threaded chain Twined many times about my limbs. I dream No more: I feel her small and gliding hands Seek mine; and while the burning rapid words Her full heart furnishes hiss in mine ear, My sight is peering blindly through the dark Of her vast hair—a cavernous abyss Of blackness traversed by mad shooting sparks Or fearful gleams of blood.—What things she says! “—Let this be as it were my bridal night, If you doubt all the Past. I am yours now; Take this for the beginning, and trust me; I will be yours for ever,—not a look, A word, a thought shall e’er dishonour you.”— And, if I had not heard this very thing Before, once, twice, innumerable times, I should not plunge as I do now, my head Still deeper in the fathomless dark hair, And see tears falling from me—as it seems— To fall on through a drear eternity.

But, hark, another voice! Whence comes it?—Whence? From here, beneath the pillow; yes, ’tis harsh And not like hers; but speaks a sweet thing—this: I swear for Her it shall be so: trust Me!

Ah, yes—my Love, my own, I answer you; I part with all the Past, forgive, deny, Refuse to see it. All my soul is yours; I never loved a moment in this world, But what was love was wholly meant for you. Yea, even before I saw you as you are, Or knew your name, the vaguest breaths of love Were but sent forward to me from the days When you should come, preparing me for you. I know in truth there never was a time Wherein I saw no part of you—nor sign To love you by; for all my sun, my light, My flowers, my world would be the saddest blank, The day you were not; you have these in you, And are yourself in them; and, on the day You go, you take them all away with you; And so ’twas you I saw when I saw them And said:—“That Lady mine shall have a head Like yonder drooping lily on whose white The summer’s breath may never set a stain; And She shall have a heaven for her hair As deep, and dark, and splendid, as the one I dream beneath; and She shall have such eyes As ever seem to me those still blue lakes I come on in the twilight of the woods And find wide open under the thick fringe Of violets—that fascinate me so With gazing on me; yes, and, for her smile, She shall but use that magic of the sun That so transfigures all the day with light, And gives my heart already such a thrill As if She smiled at me:”—my Love, ’twas you I saw then, dreamed of, waited for; ’twas you; My heart attests it, looking on you now.— So this of mine is such a perfect love You see, it could not change nor turn away;— It is the only love God made for you, As you He made for me and from the first Revealed to me. Therefore it cannot be That you are false to me,—that I no way Can save and keep you mine—you whom He gave To me for ever, to be brought as mine Before Him at the last. My precious one, You are all worthy of me—are my crown Untarnished, perfect, for you have not sinned; ’Tis I have sinned,—not being strong at once To save both pure in you. Did not your lips Completely make you mine of your own will? Did you not swear yourself to me at first, Yea, in God’s name, before him? So that I— Yes, I, have let you, all against your heart, Be brought to do sad things you would have shunned; Because I had the way, and used it not, To keep you from them.—Ah, I curse myself! —My own, my Love!—those gentle words of yours, Those promises—repeat them; yes, once more:

You will be mine; you are mine; yes, my Love, I do believe you now; I may, I can— (For that sings under the pillow; believe Me!—) I bless and kiss you for them all.

She sleeps.

The Steel is singing to me now; its voice Creeps through and through;—go on, she cannot hear— The things it sings are death and love; ay, love That death keeps true;—She sleeps, she cannot hear.

There is no sort of madness in my brain; But rather a great strength, a calm, as though A more than human spirit dwelt with mine. And yet I do perceive that, since last night, My eyes have been bewildered with the glare Of mighty blades and swords that seem to whirl And strike around me, and transform the world With an exceeding splendour cold and bare; A thousand films are as it were cut through; And all the beauty, supernatural And real of things seems only to endure. The Steel is an immense magician: yes— Love, Beauty, Life—a touch can change them all And make them wholly fit for me and great. See now where it is gleaming through her hair! ’Tis like a fair barbaric ornament Ablaze with glancing points of diamonds Stuck in and out between the writhing black. Or, rather, ’tis as fearful and as bright As some fierce snake of azure lightning curled Sinister under the dark mass of night, That ever, with his sudden forkéd flash Piercing some crevice, doth illumine it.

I could be gazing on this sight for hours.

O, Woman!—you are greatest in the world: You have all fairest things; all joy is yours To give and take away; you have all love; Your beauty is to man’s heart as the sun That doles out day and night to the whole earth; You have strange gifts of passion and sweet words: In truth you are right splendid,—and well fit, I think, to be the leman of a god; But all too fair, and yet not good enough, To be the spouse and helpmate of one man. —For this: there is a serpent in you hid; It dwells in the invisible of thought, Or crouches in some corner of your heart, Or is engendered in the ardent flame Of your quick passions,—where, it matters not; But never doth it cease so to distil Its wily poison into all you are Or do or feel, it makes you turn and stab Where most you thought to love,—it sets your lips In league with falsehood to betray your heart, Puts plotting in your heart against your lips.

You cannot will your heart to any man But you must seek, for very wantonness— As tempts the snake within you—just the straight Betrayal of that man—his love, his faith, As though you had not willed yourself at first: And if you did not this somehow, your life Would seem to you a nipped and withered thing, Your beauty good for nought. You are made so. —Therefore, my Love, I will not let you wake. Nay—though you are so pure now and have sworn— Lest you betray me as you did last time, And times before that, having sworn as now. But you are mine—my beautiful, my own! And your lips said it while your heart beat here Against mine—thrilling with a thought of me; Your looks were almost piteous with a prayer That I—that God would save you. Shall your mouth, The chaste, the holy one that I have kissed Be desecrate once more? Shall your own arms Embrace and hug the very shame of you? Shall this, your heart that made you mine, be false —Go once more seeking out adulteries?

Not so: I strike the holy steel in it.

—It was the only way to keep her mine.