I—Augustus Fit Cupidus Sciendi (C Ii K)

Maecenas vult ut Princeps faciat quod intemperanter promiserit.

“Nuper, Octavi, dixisti iturum Te mecum olim et campos visurum Ubi libentes iam ludimus illa Altivolante, durissima pila. Die mihi, vetule, saltem spectare Nonne nunc vis, si nondum tentare?”

Octavius respondet breviter “Minime pol in tuo daguerreotypo.”

Frustra cum Imperatore locutus, Impedimenta ac fustes indutus, Abii atque quaesivi amicos Qui iam profecti ad agros apricos. Sed vix discesseram fessus orando, Cum Caesar, fessus et ipse negando, Talia reddit adstantibus fando:

Princeps affirmat hunc ludum sibi nihil in lusibus esse.

“Bella, Rapinae, Incendia, Caedes, Carmina, Litterae, Templa et Aedes, Quae sunt res publicae, graves et durae, Illis furentibus nihil sunt curae; Immo pol VINUM, MULIERES, CANTUM, Non tantum diligunt, antea quantum! Namque NOVICIUS LUSUS DAMNABILIS Nescio quis, et, ut dicunt, mirabilis Fascinavisse videtur sodales Quondam carissimos contubernales. Eam rem omnem non facio flocci; Sum studiosior COMICI SOCCI, Amo PICTURAS MOVENTES vel PONTEM, Cupidus nunquam per vallem aut montem PILULAM ALBAM sequendi in fontem!

Sed putat illum sibi investigandum saltem.

“At cantilenam eandem cur cano; Num decet ipsi mentiri tyranno? Huc AUTOMOVENS VEHICULUM ferte! Quid-INEL agant comperiam certe.”

II—AUGUSTUS UTITUR LINGUA VULGARI SED LUDUM DISCIT.

Maecenas pilam expellit dum Princeps adridet.

Pilam expuleram aggere primo, Cum Imperator iam illitus limo, Clamans “Quid! Istoc est totum?” apparet, Atque observat dum pila volaret PEDES per caelum ad terram SESCENTOS. “En,” inquit, “sane homunculos lentos, Qui quot diebus exercent iam dudum Effeminatum eiusmodi ludum!

Hic Maecenatem exululat (ut ita dicamus).

“Quam PUTRIS ICTUS hic proximus erat! Talis ut aegre peritus pol ferat; Tu imbecillus es, hercle, Maecenas; Quid fluit tibimet, quaeso, per venas? ‘ATAVIS EDITE REGIBUS’—quippe; Hoc enim luderet ludo XANTIPPE! Si non potuero longius sphaeram Quam tu impellere, causam tum quaeram. Clavam da mihi; ostendam, sceleste, Ego tu faciam. Omnes adeste!”

Augustus “fusillum exspirat.”

Ita locutus, tenaciter prendit Clavam et statim ad aggerem tendit. Spuens confestim in mediam manum, Pectore scelus anhelans profanum, Agitat baculum sat negligenter; S-s-s-t! ferit sphaeram (ut putat) valenter. At tamen haece immobilis iacet, Atque Augustus attonitus tacet. Puer cachinnat, qui saccum ferebat, Temporis tamen momento silebat, Nam ululatum iam Princeps tollebat: “STULTE DAMNATE, AD USQUE AVERNAM VOLO TU EAS GEHENNAM INFERNAM!”

Maecenas leniter loquitur.

Tum ridens “Oculos,” inquam, “attollis; PILULA illa est, minime FOLLIS.”

“Istud pro DI IMMORTALES excide! Si placet, eris dum mortuus, ride!

Princeps lepidopteron acquirit.

Heus, VESPERTILIO, caece, ausculta: Quae tibi faciam ea sunt multa. Ego et tu excercebimus soli— Pilam amittere edepol noli!”

Maecenas amicique ludunt pocillum undevicensimum.

Nos modo CAUDAS GALLORUM MARTINI, Modo lagenas arcessimus, vini.

THE LINKS OF ANCIENT ROME.

English version by B. L. T.

I—AUGUSTUS BECOMES C2K.

Maecenas reminds the Emperor of a rash promise.

“Octavius, I’ve often heard you say That you’d cut out the work some sunny day, And have a look at our new country club. Why not this aft, old top? Put on a sub; Come down and watch us shoot a round of golf, Whether you stay to play or stay to scoff.”

Augustus returns a laconic “Nix.”

“Nix on that golf stuff,” said the Emperor, And so to prod him further I forbore. Grabbing my clubs I chucked them in my car, And made the two miles to the links in par; While Caesar, peeved at having stood me off, Let go the following remarks on golf:

Augustus defines golf as his notion of zero in recreations.

“War, glory, statecraft, and the Muses Nine No longer charm these golf-mad friends of mine; Wine, skirts, and song have also lost their hold Beside this strange new game that, I am told, By old and young and wise and foolish played is— For which I would not give a hoot in Hades. Me for the play or moving picture show, A hand at bridge, or any game with go; But chasing white pills round a vacant lot Is my idea of entertainment, not.

But he decides to look it over.

“But here I am, singing the same old tune. I’ve really not much on this afternoon, And can, as old Maecenas said, knock off And watch him shoot a hole or two at golf. My motorcycle, boy! I’d like to see Just wotinel this d. f. game may be.”

II—AUGUSTUS INDULGES IN STRONG LANGUAGE, BUT DECIDES TO LEARN THE GAME.

Maecenas drives, and the Emperor sniffs.

I whaled the ball two hundred yards or more— A screamer—when up wheeled the Emperor, Exclaiming, as he watched the sphere sail off, “Ye gods! Is that the total sum of golf! Weaklings and mollycoddles, what a shame To waste your time on such a baby game!

He bawls Maecenas out.

“And you, Maecenas, ‘Son of Ancient Kings’ (As Flaccus boy satirically sings In his last book, ‘A Line-o’-Verse or Two’), Is that the best, old scout, that you can do? A stroke most ladylike! Why, on my soul, I’d back Xantippe for a ball a hole! Say, if I couldn’t slam that piffling pill Over the crest of yonder fir-clad hill I’d go jump in the Tiber. Here, I say, Give me that mallet! Caddy, stand away!”

Augustus short-circuits himself.

Preluding thus, the Top Card took his stance, Giving the “pill” a quick, contemptuous glance, Then swung the driver with terrific force, And—missed the ball a foot or two, of course. A caddy snickered, then discreetly blew, And Caesar after him the driver threw, With certain objurgations, warm and tinglish, That look less rude in Latin than in English.

Maecenas speaks in part as follows.

I laughed and said, “You see, it takes some skill: You didn’t keep your eye upon the pill. The striking surface, you’ll observe, is small; It’s not, Octavius, a soccer ball.”

The Emperor gets the bug.

“Aw, cut that out, for love of Mike!” said he. “Laugh if you will—I grant it’s one on me. Son of a bat!”—he called the nearest caddy— “We’ll learn this game alone. Come on, my laddie; And if you lose this new ball in the rough What I will do to you will be enough!”

Maecenas and his friends play the Nineteenth Hole.

So off they went, while we the club bar found, And ordered dry martinis all around.