Hercules Pacificatus

A Tale from Suidas

(1831)

In days of yore, ere early Greece Had dream'd of patrols or police, A crew of rake-hells in terrorem Spread wide, and carried all before 'em, Rifled the poultry, and the women, And held that all things were in common; Till Jove's great Son the nuisance saw, And did abate it by Club Law. Yet not so clean he made his work, But here and there a rogue would lurk In caves and rocky fastnesses, And shunn'd the strength of Hercules.

Of these, more desperate than others, A pair of ragamuffin brothers In secret ambuscade join'd forces, To carry on unlawful courses. These Robbers' names, enough to shake us, Where, Strymon one, the other Cacus. And, more the neighbourhood to bother, A wicked dam they had for mother, Who knew their craft, but not forbid it, And whatsoe'er they nymm'd, she hid it; Received them with delight and wonder, When they brought home some 'special plunder; Call'd them her darlings, and her white boys, Her ducks, her dildings--all was right boys-- "Only," she said, "my lads, have care Ye fall not into BLACK BACK'S snare; For, if he catch, he'll maul your corpus, And clapper-claw you to some purpose." She was in truth a kind of witch, Had grown by fortune-telling rich; To spells and conjurings did tackle her, And read folks' dooms by light oracular; In which she saw, as clear as daylight, What mischief on her bairns would a-light; Therefore she had a special loathing For all that own'd that sable clothing.

Who can 'scape fate, when we're decreed to 't? The graceless brethren paid small heed to 't. A brace they were of sturdy fellows, As we may say, that fear'd no colours, And sneer'd with modern infidelity At the old gipsy's fond credulity. It proved all true tho', as she'd mumbled-- For on a day the varlets stumbled On a green spot--sit linguae fides-- 'Tis Suidas tells it--where Alcides Secure, as fearing no ill neighbour, Lay fast asleep after a "Labour." His trusty oaken plant was near-- The prowling rogues look round, and leer, And each his wicked wits 'gan rub, How to bear off the famous Club; Thinking that they sans price or hire wou'd Carry 't strait home, and chop for fire wood.

'Twould serve their old dame half a winter-- You stare? but 'faith it was no splinter; I would not for much money 'spy Such beam in any neighbour's eye. The villains, these exploits not dull in, Incontinently fell a pulling. They found it heavy--no slight matter-- But tugg'd, and tugg'd it, till the clatter 'Woke Hercules, who in a trice Whipt up the knaves, and with a splice, He kept on purpose--which before Had served for giants many a score-- To end of Club tied each rogue's head fast; Strapping feet too, to keep them steadfast; And pickaback them carries townwards, Behind his brawny back head-downwards, (So foolish calf--for rhyme I bless X-- Comes nolens volens out of Essex); Thinking to brain them with his dextra, Or string them up upon the next tree. That Club--so equal fates condemn-- They thought to catch, has now catch'd them.

Now Hercules, we may suppose, Was no great dandy in his clothes; Was seldom, save on Sundays, seen In calimanco, or nankeen; On anniversaries would try on A jerkin spick-span new from lion; Went bare for the most part, to be cool, And save the time of his Groom of the Stole; Besides, the smoke he had been in In Stygian gulf, had dyed his skin To a natural sable--a right hell-fit-- That seem'd to careless eyes black velvet.

The brethren from their station scurvy, Where they hung dangling topsy turvy, With horror view the black costume, And each persumes his hour is come! Then softly to themselves 'gan mutter The warning words their dame did utter; Yet not so softly, but with ease Were overheard by Hercules. Quoth Cacus--"This is he she spoke of, Which we so often made a joke of." "I see," said the other, "thank our sin for't, 'Tis BLACK BACK sure enough--we're in for 't."

His Godship who, for all his brag Of roughness, was at heart a wag, At his new name was tickled finely, And fell a laughing most divinely. Quoth he, "I'll tell this jest in heaven-- The musty rogues shall be forgiven." So in a twinkling did uncase them, On mother earth once more to place them-- The varlets, glad to be unhamper'd, Made each a leg--then fairly scamper'd.