Ye Peroration

Hey for the march of intellect, The schoolmaster’s abroad, And still the cry is raised on high, Obey his mighty word! Where’er we go, both high and low, Bow down before his nod; And the sceptre may hide its jewelled pride, For our sceptre’s the birchen rod.

And all “enlightened citizens” and “learned brothers” say, That the world was never One half so clever As it is in the present day. Now I deny This general cry; And will proceed to tell you why I’ve long since come to the conclusion, ’Tis all a popular delusion.

I have seen many a wild-beast show, From the day when Messrs. Pidcock and Co. Were what vulgar people call all-the-go, To the time when society mourned for the loss (All felt it, but no one like poor Mr. Cross) Of the elephant “Chuney,” who went mad, ’tis said, With the pressure and pain He felt in his brain From constantly bearing a trunk on his head.

And I have set eye on That magnanimous lion, Brave Wallace—oh, fye on The brutes who could hie on Fierce bull-dogs to fly on His monarchical mane! I declare I could cry on The bare thought, as one weeps when one goes to see “Ion.”

And lately I’ve been Down to Astley’s, and seen His wonderful elephants act; what they mean By their actions, I’ve not the most distant idea, Why they stand on their heads, why they wag their fat tails, Are to me hidden mysteries, “very like whales,” As Hamlet remarks of some cloud he is certain He perceives up aloft, whence they let down the curtain, And whither they draw up the fairies and goddesses, With their pretty pink legs and inadequate bodices.

But of all the beasts I ever did see, Whether of low or of high degree, Despite the “schoolmaster,” And “going a-head faster,” The arts and the sciences, And all their appliances, Never an animal, chained or loose, As yet have I heard Utter one single word, Or so much as attempt to say “Bo!” to a goose. But you’ll see, if you read the next two or three pages, That in what people now-a-days term the dark ages, When the world was some thousand years younger or so, Beasts could talk very well; and it wasn’t thought low For a real live monarch his prowess to brag on, And bandy high words with an insolent dragon.