The Logical Vegetarian

You will find me drinking rum, Like a sailor in a slum, You will find me drinking beer like a Bavarian. You will find me drinking gin In the lowest kind of inn, Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.

So I cleared the inn of wine, And I tried to climb the sign, And I tried to hail the constable as “Marion.” But he said I couldn’t speak, And he bowled me to the Beak Because I was a Happy Vegetarian.

Oh, I knew a Doctor Gluck, And his nose it had a hook, And his attitudes were anything but Aryan; So I gave him all the pork That I had, upon a fork; Because I am myself a Vegetarian.

I am silent in the Club, I am silent in the pub, I am silent on a bally peak in Darien; For I stuff away for life Shoving peas in with a knife, Because I am at heart a Vegetarian.

No more the milk of cows Shall pollute my private house Than the milk of the wild mares of the Barbarian; I will stick to port and sherry, For they are so very, very So very, very, very Vegetarian.