The Song of the Strange Ascetic

If I had been a heathen, I'd have praised the purple vine, My slaves should dig the vineyards, And I would drink the wine; But Higgins is a heathen, And his slaves grow lean and grey, That he may drink some tepid milk Exactly twice a day.

If I had been a heathen, I'd have crowned Neaera's curls, And filled my life with love affairs, My house with dancing girls; But Higgins is a heathen, And to lecture rooms is forced, Where his aunts, who are not married, Demand to be divorced.

If I had been a heathen, I'd have sent my armies forth, And dragged behind my chariots The Chieftains of the North; But Higgins is a heathen, And he drives the dreary quill, To lend the poor that funny cash That makes them poorer still.

If I had been a heathen, I'd have piled my pyre on high, And in a great red whirlwind Gone roaring to the sky; But Higgins is a heathen, And a richer man than I: And they put him in an oven, Just as if he were a pie.

Now who that runs can read it, The riddle that I write, Of why this poor old sinner Should sin without delight; But I, I cannot read it (Although I run and run), Of them that do not have the faith, And will not have the fun.