Ballade Of An Anti-Puritan, A

They spoke of Progress spiring round, Of Light and Mrs. Humphry Ward— It is not true to say I frowned, Or ran about the room and roared; I might have simply sat and snored— I rose politely in the club And said, "I feel a little bored; Will someone take me to a pub?" The new world's wisest did surround Me; and it pains me to record I did not think their views profound, Or their conclusions well assured; The simple life I can't afford, Besides, I do not like the grub— I want a mash and sausage, "scored"— Will someone take me to a pub? I know where Men can still be found, Anger and clamorous accord, And virtues growing from the ground, And fellowship of beer and board, And song, that is a sturdy cord, And hope, that is a hardy shrub, And goodness, that is God's last word— Will someone take me to a pub? ENVOI Prince, Bayard would have smashed his sword To see the sort of knights you dub— Is that the last of them—O Lord! Will someone take me to a pub?