The Off Side Of The Cow

Old Wendell Hopkins’ hired man is an absent-

minded chap,

He’ll start for a chair, and like as not set down

in some one’s lap.

I happened along where he stopped to bait his

hosses the other day,

--He’d given the hosses his luncheon pail and

was trying to eat their hay,

--A kind of a blame fool sort of a trick for even

a hired man,

But he tackled a different kind of a snag when

he fooled with Matilda Ann,

--When he fooled with Matilda Ann, by jinks,

he got it square in the neck,

And the doctors say, though live he may, he’s a

total human wreck.

He’s wrapped in batting and thinking now

Of the grief in insulting a brindle cow.

Matilda Ann gives down her milk and she

doesn’t switch her tail;

She gives ten quarts--week in, week out, and

she never kicks the pail.

She doesn’t hook and she doesn’t jump, but even

Matilda Ann

Ain’t called to stand all sorts of grief from a

dern fool hired man.

And when he stubbed to the milking-shed in

sort of a dream and tried

To make Matilda “So” and “Whoa” while he

milked on the wrong, off side,

She giv’ him a look to wilt his soul and pugged

him once with her hoof,

And I guess that at last his wits were jogged as

he slammed through the lintel roof.

He’s got a poultice on his brow

Of the size of the foot of a brindle cow.

Now study the ways of the world, my son; oh,

study the ways of life!

It’s the hustling chap that gets the cash, or the

girl he wants for a wife;

It’s the feller that spots the place to grab, when

Chance goes swinging by,

Who gets his dab in the juiciest place and the

biggest plum in the pie;

There’s always a chance to milk the world--

there’s a teat, a pail, and a stool;

There’s a place for the chap with sense and grip,

but a dangerous holt for a fool.

For while the feller that’s up to snuff drums a

merry tune in his pail,

The fool sneaks up on the left-hand side and

lands in the grave or in jail.

--It’s an awkard place, as you’ll allow,

The off-hand side of the world or a cow.