My Auld Maiden Aunty

I’ve naething to do but to sit and to spin, And crack wi’ my auld maiden aunty; Our gossiping neighbours come dribbling in, And aye keep a body fu’ canty, fu’ canty, And aye keep a body fu’ canty.

But our thoughts, like the weather, are given to change, I sigh’d day and night to get married; And I’m sure gif there aught like a man had made love, His suit wi’ me soon he had carried—had carried— His suit wi’ me soon he had carried.

My aunty’s sae peevish, her temper’s sae sour, She wearies us a’ wi’ inspection; She frowns at the mark o’ a prin on the floor, Our neighbours a’ ca’ her Perfection—Perfection— Our neighbours a’ ca’ her Perfection.

The hale o’ her pleasure is snuff and green tea, And her auld-fashion’d satins to number; Ae day she wad try how her hoops fitted me, And ne’er squeezed my body asunder—asunder— And ne’er squeezed my body asunder.

She sneers like the fox when I speak about men, I wonder what she makes a wark at— For I’m sure if her mother’s example she’d ta’en, She never had stood in the market—the market— She never had stood in the market.

But wha but our neighbour’s son Johnny’s come hame Since the wars were so happily ended? He tells me my beauty has kindled a flame— My aunt wad gang daft if she kenn’d it,—she kenn’d it— My aunt wad gang daft if she kenn’d it.

’Twas only yestreen like a statue I sat, When to hand me the kettle he hurried, He trod on the tail o’ my aunt’s tabby cat, She raved sae, I wish’d the brute worried—brute worried— She raved sae, I wish’d the brute worried.

To-morrow she’ll scandal the hale o’ the sex, And ca’ me the vilest o’ ony; For I’ll bid her guid day ere the sun’s in the east, And aff to the Highlands wi’ Johnny—wi’ Johnny— And aff to the Highlands wi’ Johnny.