My Familiar

Again I hear that creaking step!— He's rapping at the door!— Too well I know the boding sound That ushers in a bore. I do not tremble when I meet The stoutest of my foes, But Heaven defend me from the friend Who comes—but never goes!

He drops into my easy-chair, And asks about the news; He peers into my manuscript, And gives his candid views; He tells me where he likes the line, And where he's forced to grieve; He takes the strangest liberties,— But never takes his leave!

He reads my daily paper through Before I've seen a word; He scans the lyric (that I wrote) And thinks it quite absurd; He calmly smokes my last cigar, And coolly asks for more; He opens everything he sees— Except the entry door!

He talks about his fragile health, And tells me of the pains He suffers from a score of ills Of which he ne'er complains; And how he struggled once with death To keep the fiend at bay; On themes like those away he goes,— But never goes away!

He tells me of the carping words Some shallow critic wrote; And every precious paragraph Familiarly can quote; He thinks the writer did me wrong; He'd like to run him through! He says a thousand pleasant things,— But never says, "Adieu!"

Whene'er he comes,—that dreadful man,— Disguise it as I may, I know that, like an Autumn rain, He'll last throughout the day. In vain I speak of urgent tasks; In vain I scowl and pout; A frown is no extinguisher,— It does not put him out!

I mean to take the knocker off, Put crape upon the door, Or hint to John that I am gone To stay a month or more. I do not tremble when I meet The stoutest of my foes, But Heaven defend me from the friend Who never, never goes!