The Mouse

A Study in Egotisms

Scene: A drawing-room.

Persons: Clarissa, the Mouse, Purrline.

CLARISSA: Help! Help! A Mouse!

MOUSE: Don’t be alarmed! I’m here! I hurried when I heard you scream--

CLARISSA: Oh, dear! If it jumps up at me I shall expire!

MOUSE: If I may be permitted to enquire, Why are you standing there in such a fright, Upon a chair, clutching your frock so tight About your--

CLARISSA: Help! Oh dear! I wonder what That girl’s about! Good heavens! I forgot It’s Jane’s day out. There’s no one in the house But me--

MOUSE: Fair lady! I am but a Mouse, A simple Mouse, but underneath this fur There beats a heart whose motto is Sans Purr. To see a lovely female in distress Rouses in me the spirit of Noblesse. To her protection instantly I fly. No common Mus Domesticus am I! You may have heard--

CLARISSA: If only Jane were here! What shall I do?

MOUSE: Dear lady, have no fear! As I was saying, doubtless you’ve heard tell How once a Mountain bore a Mouse-child. Well, I was that Child! Or rather, to be more Strictly veracious, ’twas my Ancestor; And sometimes when I dream of deeds Titanic I think that Mountain must have been Volcanic! So have no fear! If any one should dare Molest you, I am here beneath your chair, Ready to spring--

CLARISSA: Mercy! I wonder why It squeaks like that! It’s crazy! I shall die If it--

MOUSE: Sweet lady! Though I cannot guess From your queer speech the cause of your distress, Your voice, quite meaningless to my Mouse ear, Is strangely sweet and musical and clear; And, though they violate our beauty-laws, I never saw such shapely hinder paws As yours, so smooth and beautiful to see, So silky white, like sticks of celery. Upon each side a tender sprig of gold-- Gold as pure Cheese, and toothsome to behold-- Climbs up and up! ’Tis called, so I am told By Mice more versed in lady-lore, a Clock. Once, it is said, a Mouse named Dickery Dock Ran up the--

CLARISSA: Ouch!!!

MOUSE: I wonder if I dare! Only the brave deserve--

CLARISSA: O Lord! This chair Is giving way! If it should break!--What’s that? It’s Purrline’s mew! Here, Puss! Puss!--

MOUSE: What? The Cat! I’d love to meet him! But it’s getting late. My wife’s expecting me. I musn’t wait!

(Exit)

PURRLINE: Me-ouw!

CLARISSA: And is that all you’ve got to say? Did you expect the Mouse to wait all day? For all you care, I might have died of fright! My! But I’m glad it got away all right!