Time

This morning. The Emperor is discovered standing before a Cheval Glass. He is dressed in what is known as “Athletic Underwear,” with plain black socks, upheld by Boston Garters.

EMPEROR: It is not often that one sees An Emperor in B. V. D.’s.

A knock is heard on the door.

EMPEROR: Herein!

A high officer enters with a telegram. A wire?

OFFICER: Yes, Sire, a wire!

EMPEROR: Tears open envelope. You may retire.

Reads

Von Hindenburg has wired to say Our noble troops have won the day Captured a Russian Samovar And several tons of caviar Vodka a fabulous amount And Droskys more than we can count The greatest battle of the war, Won by the Fourteenth Army Corps All honour to the Lord therefore, Likewise the Fourteenth Army Corps.

CHORUS OF OFFICERS: All honour to the Lord therefore, Not to speak of the Fourteenth Army Corps.

EMPEROR: The Lord Be Praised! This cheering news Will cure my cold and banish my blues. I haven’t felt anything like so well Since my gallant Navy with shot and shell Bombarded the Scarborough Infant School And the Orphan Asylum at Hartlepool.

CHORUS OF OFFICERS: He hasn’t felt anything like so well Since the Babes were bombarded with shot and shell.

EMPEROR: Enough! Enough! Less cheering please With my nervous system it disagrees. Alas! My joy Is not without alloy.

Looks at telegram sadly. Oh wretched me! On this glorious day When I should have been in the thick of the fray I lay in bed With a cold in my head: Hot water bottles, Quinine and Squills Mustard Plasters, and Camphor Pills. And when they tell of this victory They do not so much as mention ME! While peans of praise and plaudits pour On the Lord--and the Fourteenth Army Corps!

Weeps.

Enter chorus of Highborn Lady Nurses bearing clinical thermometers.

FIRST NURSE: Oh Sire we entreat!

SECOND NURSE: This is most indiscreet!

THIRD NURSE: A temperature we dread--

FOURTH NURSE: Oh please go back to bed--

FIRST NURSE: Please do as you are told, You have an awful cold.

EMPEROR: Furious. A cold!!

NURSE: I meant to say Broncho-Pneumonia.

EMPEROR: Mine was no common plebeian ill, ’Twas a Pneumo-Psycho-Bronchial chill According to my medical adviser I caught it when I walked upon the Yser.

NURSE: You walked!

EMPEROR: I should have said I tried-- You see it was high tide And I was much annoyed To find the bridge destroyed. But never at a loss I tried to walk across.

Angrily

But by the Eternal One I swear it can’t be done And never was----

Stops suddenly and makes as if about to sneeze. Nurses regard him apprehensively.

Emperor sneezes.

FIRST NURSE: Ach! Himmel! what a sneeze!

SECOND NURSE: Oh Sire! Please!----

THIRD NURSE: Oh please!

FOURTH NURSE: Your cold’s gone to your head!

ALL TOGETHER: You MUST go back to bed!

They seize the Emperor and pull him, struggling, through the door leading to the bedroom.

EMPEROR: Nein! Nein! Unhand me, wenches! My place is in the trenches.

Enter High Officer.

HIGH OFFICER: Looks about him cautiously. ’Tis an ill wind they say That profits nobody, And this Imperial sneeze May bring us victories, With Him in bed there’ll be Some chance for strategy. If on the other hand----

EMPEROR: Heard off stage What ho! My horse!

The Emperor enters

HIGH OFFICER: Anxiously You go?

EMPEROR: Haughtily Of course!