Rivington'S Last Will And Testament[131]

[A True Copy from the Records]

Since life is uncertain, and no one can say, How soon we may go, or how long we shall stay, Methinks he is wisest who soonest prepares, And settles in season his worldly affairs:

Some folks are so weak they can scarce avoid crying, And think when they're making their wills they are dying; 'Tis surely a serious employment--but still, Who e'er died the sooner for making his will?

Let others be sad when their lives they review, But I know whom I've serv'd--and him faithfully too; And though it may seem a fanatical story, He often has show'd me a glimpse of his glory.

IMPRIMIS, my carcase I give and devise To be made into cakes of a moderate size, To nourish those tories whose spirits may droop, And serve the king's army with Portable Soup.

Unless I mistake, in the scriptures we read That "worms on the dead shall deliciously feed," The scripture stands true--and that I am firm in, For what are our tories and soldiers but vermin?--

This soup of soups can't be call'd that of beef, And this may to some be a matter of grief: But I'm certain the Bull would occasion a laugh, That beef Portable Soup should be made of a Calf.

To the king, my dear master, I give a full sett (In volumes bound up) of the Royal Gazette, In which he will find the vast record contain'd Of provinces conquer'd and victories gain'd.

As to Arnold the traitor and Satan his brother, I beg they will also accept of another; And this shall be bound in Morocco red leather, Provided they'll read it like brothers together.

But if Arnold should die, 'tis another affair, Then Satan surviving shall be the sole heir; He often has told me he thought it quite clever, So to him and his heirs I bequeath it forever.

I know there are some (that would fain be thought wise) Who say my Gazette is the record of lies; In answer to this, I shall only reply-- All the choice that I had was to starve or to lie.

My fiddles, my flutes, French horns and guittars[A] I leave to our heroes now weary of wars-- To the wars of the stage they more boldly advance, The captains shall play and the soldiers shall dance.[B]

[A] The articles of bequest in this poem were incessantly advertised in the Royal Gazette, and puffed off with a dexterity peculiar to the editor of that paper.--_Freneau's note in ed. of 1809._

[B] It became fashionable at this period with the British officers to assume the business of the Drama, to the no small mortification of those who had been holding them up as the undoubted conquerors of North America.--_Ib._

To Sir Henry Clinton, his use and behoof, I leave my French brandy of very high proof; It will give him fresh spirits for battle and slaughter And make him feel bolder by land and by water:

Yet I caution the knight, for fear he do wrong, 'Tis _avant la viande et apres le poisson_[C] It will strengthen his stomach, prevent it from turning, And digest the affront of his effigy burning.

[C] Before flesh and after fish.--_See the Royal Gazette.--Ib._

To Baron Knyphausen, his heirs and assigns, I bequeath my old hock, and my Burgundy wines, To a true Hessian drunkard no liquors are sweeter, And I know the old man is no foe to the creature.

To a general, my namesake,[D] I give and dispose Of a purse full of clipp'd, light, sweated half joes; I hereby desire him to take back his trash, And return me my Hannay's infallible Wash.[E]

[D] General James Robertson.--_Ib._

[E] Used in the venereal disease.--_Ib._

My chessmen and tables, and other such chattels I give to Cornwallis renowned in battles: By moving of these (not tracing the map) He'll explain to the king how he got in the trap.

To good David Mathews (among other slops) I give my whole cargo of Maredant's drops, If they cannot do all, they may cure him in part, And scatter the poison that cankers his heart:

Provided, however, and nevertheless, That what other estate I enjoy and possess At the time of my death (if it be not then sold) Shall remain to the Tories to have and to hold.

As I thus have bequeath'd them both carcase and fleece, The least they can do is to wait my decease; But to give them what substance I have, ere I die, And be eat up with vermin, while living--not I--

In Witness whereof (though no ailment I feel) Hereunto I set both my hand and my seal; (As the law says) in presence of witnesses twain, 'Squire _John Coghill Knap_,[F] and brother _Hugh Gaine_.

[F] A Notary Public in New-York.--_Freneau's note._ "'Knapp,' says Dawson, in a note to _New York City During the Revolution_, was 'a notorious pettifogger, a convict who had fled from England for his own benefit.'"--_Duyckinck._