Epigram On Hearing A Clergyman Preach A Dull Sermon In A Loud, Shrill Voice

Still, still his bell-like voice rings through my head; Yet not one bright thought cheers my mental view; O! would that I were deaf, asleep, or dead! Ye marble statues! how I envy you! *        *        *        *        * To hear him preach the Methodistic creed, What eager crowds to Ranter's chapel speed! His eloquence the harden'd sinner frightens; Like heaven itself—says Fame, he thunders, lightens. I go to hear him;—Fame has made a blunder;— I see no lightning, though I hear the thunder. For flowery sermons Doctor Drudge Of preachers at the top is;— If from their influence we may judge, His flowers are only poppies. *        *        *        *        * Sir! you're both fool and knave!—to Frank, Blunt cries— I know I am, Sir, Frank to Blunt replies:— Now, in self-knowledge if all knowledge lies, A fool, like Frank, must be extremely wise! *        *        *        *        * Vice is a mouse-trap, pleasure is the bait, Like mice, enticing mortals to their fate; And of this truth experience leaves no doubt;— 'Tis far more easy to get in than out. Old maids their spleen on marriage vent;— The reason would you know? 'Tis not, that others are made wives, But that they can't be so. *        *        *        *        * How grave he looks! how mighty wise!— He seems Minerva's sacred bird:— He speaks! our ears refute our eyes— The cackling of a goose is heard. *        *        *        *        * How came that Jew, deform'd and old, To wed the youthful, fair Coquette?— Ben had a purse well-stored with gold! He caught her in't;—'twas Hymen's net! Flirtilla's teeth, well-form'd and white, Were Hymen's pincers, and could bite! When the Royal Exchange to the flames fell a prey, All the Monarchs and Queens from their niches were thrown; Lackaday! on the pavement in fragments they lay, Every one except Charley the Second alone. Strange event! O my Muse! to blind mortals below Clear this mystery which none but immortals can know. "Cytherea and Momus pray'd Vulcan to spare The blithe, amorous King:—Vulcan granted their prayer."