The Kaiser Again Consults Fritz

Mine dear Fritz,--Your advice ven I take, Und I try dot goot beace talk to shtart, Den dose fellers all call it a fake, For dey say it don't come from mine heart; Vat's de ting to do next, I don't know, Mit dose bull-headed English und French, Dey shoost tink dey're de whole of de show Since they pounded us oudt of some trench.

Dey are licking us now britty fast, Like I nefer could tink dey vill do, Mit beeg guns dey now haf us out-classed, Und mit airships und teufel tanks too. Ve must all de hard hammering take For dose Bulgars und Turks vas no goot, Seems like now von beeg blunder ve make Und de game ve haf not undershtoodt.

Ven ve tink ve vill get some more oil, Und de oats, und potatoes, and meat, All dose tings de Roumanians shpoil Shoost so soon as ve make dem redreat; Und mine shlack brudder, Tino of Greece, He gets batted all ofer der ground, Ven he shtrikes he goes oudt on first base, Und makes nefer de run all around.

Britty soon, Fritz, ve someting must do, Or already ve all vill be killed, For dose English haf put on de screw Und our stomachs are nefer half filled. Vat you tink of dis plan, mine dear Fritz, In mine head dat already I get, Dat I take back again Von Tirpitz, Und Herr Teufel in partnership yet?